A wise woman once said, "God speaks to us in whispers." After careful consideration & spiritual reflection, I've decided to delete my profile on www.Adam4Adam.com. I joined in late January of this year for professional reasons, though my innate curiosity & desire to co-habitate got the best of me. I was facilitating a gathering in Harlem around men on the 'DL,' yet didn't know where or how to attract men who would be honest enough to share their emotions & experiences, let alone get them to understand it was a safe place.
The response was amazing, yet the number of booty calls got me shook. Was I flattered? Yeah, however my intention was to remain focused on work & not play. Most of the guys who responded never showed up, still, we had an interesting evening of stimulating dialogue among other SGL & gay-identified brothas. For example, the notion of being on the 'DL' was expanded in that many brothas are not open about their sexuality with family members, co-workers, neighbors, etc. But I digress.
I started to notice a disturbing trend with folks' profiles. When listing their likes & preferences, it seemed they had conditions, not invitations. I began to wonder: is there intimacy on the Internet? If God wakes me up, I'll be 46 this coming Sunday. I've met some interesting brothas online, as well as a few who need Jesus (smile). Typing words on a computer in the wee hours of the morning - or the middle of the day, for that matter - without the emotional investment and/or spiritual authenticity has become an exercise in futility. Alas, the time has come to surrender.
Let me be clear. I'm neither angry nor resentful. I feel optimistic, in fact. I've learned that when I get out of my own way, God's will becomes so apparent all I have to do is just be still & listen. My obsession (read: addiction) was disturbing to say the least. I've had enough of the empty promises, clever messages & unfulfilled fantasies. It finally reached a head a cople of days ago when a guy from DC told me he "would love me...if I just let him." Chile, cheese. I had to laugh at the delusion of it all.
God knows the desires of my heart. He knows my heart desires affection, friendship & intimacy. I got so caught up trying to "hook up' that I forgot where my real source of strength & courage lies. Do I want a man in my bed to cuddle me, hold me, kiss me & passionately make love to me? Hell yeah! I also want that brotha to stay with me & learn who I am. For real. My heart is open for a commitment, nothing less will suffice anymore. I don't want another empty, anonymous sexual encounter. Ever. Does that mean it won't happen? No, it just means that I'm clearer about my intentions & cannot afford to be wishy-washy in my decision making.
Ironically, I've been listening to sexy crooners like D'Angelo, Joe, Maxwell & Usher for the last couple of days. I feel good about my decision. I feel lighter about my decision. I feel relieved about my decision because my heart is precious to me. As fate would have it, I met a beautiful brotha walking down 14th Street Sunday evening. We acknowldged each other gracefully. He turned around, introduced himself & gave me a hug. All I could say was, "you are beautiful." I asked him what his plans were for the rest of the evening & said he was on his way to meet some friends at the SONY Virgin Record Music Store.
Undaunted, I gave him my business card & asked him to call me. He smiled & said, "I'll call you." I've yet to hear from him. One of my shortcomings is impatience. When I don't get what I want when I want it, I feel frustrated. I used to take everything personally; as if it were a sign of personal failure or rejection, but not today. How empty of me to be so full of you? My mother taught me love is patient & love is kind. I love myself today & desire to share my love with one man. Where is he? He is here with me, in my heart, at all times. As long as I remember the only relationship you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself, all is well in my world, whether I'm online or off tha hook.
- mark j. tuggle
- harlem, usa
- same-gender-loving contemporary descendant of enslaved africans. community activist, feminist, health educator, independent filmmaker, mentor, playwright, poet & spiritual being. featured at, in & on africana.com, afrikan poetry theatre, angel herald, bejata dot com, bet tonight with tavis smiley, blacklight online, black noir, brooklyn moon cafe, gmhc's barbershop, klmo-fm, lgbt community services center, longmoor productions, nuyorican poets cafe, our corner, poz, pulse, rolling out new york, rush arts gallery, saint veronica's church, schomburg center for research in black culture, sexplorations, the citizen, the new york times, the soundz bar, the trenton times, the village voice, upn news, uzuri, venus, vibe, wbai-fm, wnyc-fm & wqht-fm. volunteered with adodi, bailey house, inc., black men's xchange-new york, colorofchange.org, drug policy alliance, east harlem tutorial program, imagenation film & music festival, presente.org, save darfur coalition, the enough project, the osborne association, the sledge group & your black world. worked on films with maurice jamal & heather murphy. writing student of phil bertelsen & ed bullins. firstname.lastname@example.org.