Michael Jackson: Gone Too Soon At Age 50

about 6:30 pm thursday evening i received a text from my youngest sistah, tracey, in chicago, asking me if i heard about michael jackson having suffered a heart attack. b4 i was able to rsvp, less than 60 seconds lata, a friend in nyc texted me stating michael jackson was dead. how did i feel? shocked, stunned, in disbelief. immediately i called my friend, nate, to see if he was aware & to confirm what was, in my mind, a possible rumor bcuz with michael you just neva know. to my chagrin, it was true.

despite the efforts of his personal physician in his california home michael jackson's heart stopped beating around 2:30 pm. as i sit here listening to his media-maligned, yet melodic invincible cd, i'm thinking about my own mortality. born in the same (august) month, the king of pop was two years older than me. he also shares the same birthdate (8/29) as my aunt dianne in gary, indiana. for someone whose life was clouded in complexity, genius, isolation, mystery & woundedness, the brilliant legacy of michael joe jackson will continue long after my heart stops beating.

harlem's apollo theater has been swarmed by local/national media outlets since thursday. there was a multi-cultural mix of folks buying michael buttons, caps, posters & t-shirts, chatting, dancing, singing & trying to somehow make sense of his premature death. the commercialization of michael engulfed several blocks on 125th street. amazing how we profit from one's pain & rationalize it bcuz everyone else seems to do it! nothing is sacred anymore. the coroner had yet to release a report & black folks were selling shit with a quickness - just like when obama became prez.

did i buy something? damn skippy...

i feel for his kids. children who grow up without a father's direction, guidance & love experience an emptiness you cannot underestimate. his three kids' privacy was heavily guarded & they are, no doubt, cared for, yet their sudden loss makes my heart ache. much will be written about michael's transition in the weeks to come, but i affirm he was a compassionate humanitarian. his unconditional & universal love for children is well-known, despite the long held allegations of his sexual abuse of children, none of which i eva believed for one moment.

jackson's larger than life persona has fueled intense media scrutiny, internet chat room gossip & international tabloid rumors. whether the subject was his neverland ranch, peter pan muse, relationships with mccauley caulkin, gary coleman & ryan white, everyday folks (this writer included) always seemed to have a strong (!) opinion about his various idiosyncracies. what part did michael play in all this drama? he claimed innocence from the onset, asserting kids would neva hurt him as adults do, but, still, he was a grown ass man.

we adored him as a child. his infectious smile warmed the hearts of millions. he danced liked james brown, sang like frankie lymon & talked like, well, a happy little colored boy. omg. did i say colored? anyhoo, how many of us were glued to the idiot box when the j5 saturday morning cartoons came on? his solo work with legendary producer quincy jones changed the cultural landscape of music videos as we know it today - billie jean was the first video by an african-american artist to appear on mtv. but don't sleep, ralph mcdaniel's (hip hop infused, nyc based) video music box had mad love for mike b4 mtv, vh1 or bet.

michael's bright red leather jacket (from the beat it video), jheri curled hair, neon socks, penny loafer shoes, sequined glove & tuxedo pants shortened at the legs were unique fashion trademarks copied across the globe regardless of age, culture, gender, religion or sexual orientation. b4 his short-lived marriages to lisa marie presley & debbie rowe, he dated teen stars tatum o'neal & brooke shields. when did we last see him hooked up with a sistah? he wrote the song 'muscles,' for diana ross, giving rise to our morbid fascination with them as a potential (?) couple, but, at that point, his manhood was being questioned, too. did his androgynous look, introverted personality & squeaky voice confuse us?

no doubt, some folks have held michael was asexual, gay or phucked up...

author/meta-physician/professor deepak chopra was recently interviewed by cnn's anderson cooper about his 21 year friendship with michael. he characterized the gloved one as a caring, devoted & loving father who did not exhibit any type of inappropriate behavior in his presence. in fact, michael's kids spent considerable time playing with chopra's kids. chopra confirmed jackson's addiction to prescription drugs & admitted michael suffered from lupus, as well as a rare skin disease which some have long touted as anti-black bleaching cream. chopra vilified the plethora of celebrity hollywood doctors who feed the addiction of their patients, vowing to come forth with names at a lata date.

most media reports jackson's doctor gave him demerol. chopra said he also was given oxycontin & other narcotics to deal with his physical pain induced by lupus & the skin disease. toxicologists will offer their medical perspectives at some point. an autopsy can provide further insight into the exact nature of his untimely demise. of course, we may neva know the truth about how and/or why michael left the universe after half a century. his music can be heard in the streets, on the radio/tv & via the internet. he is, alas, gone too soon.

Roger Federer Wins French Open Singles Title In Historic Fashion

world #2 roger federer of switzerland defeated roger soderling of sweden, 6-1, 7-6, 6-4 to win his 1st french open singles crown. the historic win tied pete sampras for 14 grand slam singles titles, a record he hopes to break at this summer's wimbledon. despite losing the last three years in the french open final to world #1 rafael nadal of spain, federer persevered in perhaps his most difficult championship win. his most coveted trophy brought an onslaught of tears at match point, when soderling was unable to return his lethal forehand.

most pundits expected & predicted nadal would win a record fifth consecutive title. yet in the fourth round, the #23 seed soderling shocked the tennis world dominating nadal in four sets. hall of famer & tv analyst john mcenroe called soderling's win, "the greatest upset in the last 20 years of the game." in fact, this was soderling's first grand slam final yet he was thoroughly outplayed by federer, who entered the match with a 9-0 record against the much improved swede, who now ranks #12.

federer becomes the sixth man to capture all four grand slam singles titles. he joins andre agassi, don budge, roy emerson, rod laver & fred perry in the record books. also, federer has now played in 20 consecutive grand slam semifinals, a feat some are calling the joe dimaggio of tennis records. his durability, integrity & respect as an international athlete continues to marvel both the average fan & the top players on tour. soderling would later concede during the trophy ceremony, "he is the greatest tennis player of all time."

the first set lasted about 22 minutes as federer opened the match with a service break. federer served brilliantly throughout, not facing a break point until late in the second set. during the tension-filled tiebreaker federer aced soderling on four straight serves, drawing awes from the adoring crowd at philippe chartier stadium. soderling eventually picked up his game, hitting winners from both angles, yet he lacked the mobility to track down the assortment of drop shots adeptly utilized by federer.

federer's road to the final was not without struggle as he faced adversity time & time again. in the second round against unseeded jose acasuso of spain, federer was down 1-5 in the third set, the match tied at a set apiece, before he found his range & prevailed in four sets. in the third round against paul-henri mathieu of france, he lost the first set convincingly, yet he would play well enough to get a tough four set win in front of a partisan crowd, despite the fat his opponent was playing on home turf.

in the fourth round against 31 year-old veteran tommy haas of germany, federer lost the first two sets. as the match unfolded he found himself in an unenviable position, serving at 3-4, break point in the third set, before unleashing his trademark inside out forehand. federer won the thrilling match in five sets. in the semi-finals against world #5 juan martin del porto of argentina he was down two sets to one. the 20 year-old had never won a set off federer in their five previous contests yet he was dominating on serve & hitting winners from the back of the court with ease. federer slowly turned the tide & fought his way to the final where he felt the pressure of expecting to win because nadal was no longer in the draw.

winning the french open singles championship is a difficult task for any player. each year a number of european-born clay-court specialists upset top-ranked players with discipline, patience & steadfast games. the red clay at roland garros is unlike any other surface on the atp tour. when you add the inevitable rain, swirling winds & topspin forehands you have a dusty road few are able to climb successfully. federer had long been hailed the second best clay court player in the game. but on this historic occasion, the now married & soon-to-be father was, in the words of tina turner, simply the best.

14 Years Of Freedom!

on may 20 god blessed me with 14 years of freedom from active addiction. thru his grace & mercy i feel spiritually refreshed & glad to be alive. most days. some days i'd rather hide under a bridge. with cable tv. some buffalo wings & french fries. a sexy chocolate man by my side to caress my body, stimulate my mind & feed my spirit. u know the deal...

anyhoo. i'm grateful to be clean. no alcohol, no caffeine, no drugs, no nicotine, no pork, no white bread, no white eggs, no white flour, no white meat, no white milk, no white popcorn, no white salt, no white sugar, etc. yeah: u know the deal. god has helped me clean my temple. so amazed am i not to be using any mind or mood-altering substances. my life was a mess b4 he rescued me from insanity, depravity & death. the day i got clean is 1 of the most important days in my life. may 20, 1995 is/was the beginning of my spiritual journey.

regular prayer & meditation cultivated a serenity i never knew existed. friends with brothas & sistahs all over the globe has given me the diversity i lacked. learning how to live one day at a time was the perspective eluding me for decades. what a joy it is to be clean! do i feel happy, joyous & free every day? no. but i do feel a peace of mind in experiencing a deeper level of self-acceptance accompanied by an awareness & empathy 4 others. in fact, helping others is 1 of the highest aspirations of the hue-man heart. god continues to use me as an instrument of his will. as such, we play beautiful music together.

no longer am i under the illusion of being his conductor.

recovery has fueled my creative passions in ways i long felt hopeless about. some of the dreams, goals & aspirations from my childhood & young adult years have awakened my spirit. collaborating with other artists has given me the opportunity to learn from my ongoing mistakes. even when i feel alone, depressed, sad and/or uninspired, i can connect with someone - online or on the phone or via a text - who understands my dilemma. its a relief to accept my shortcomings as an integral part of my humanity. after all, if i'm not perfect why would i expect others to be?

everywhere i travel people respect me today. some of the drug dealers in my hood call me by my 1st name only. when i was a kid growing up on the south side of chicago folks called me faggot, punk & sissy so often i cringed walking down the street in public. the fear of public humiliation battered my spirit. emotional abuse & sexual abuse were constant companions. my manhood was attacked. i lived in a dark abyss of hatred, shame & terror. haunted by guilt & riddled with anxiety i secretly believed my life had no meaning, purpose or value. i'm wounded & i need to heal.

i can admit today i'm not frightened of the darkness but i'm afraid of the light. why? bcuz the truth will piss u off b4 it sets u free. sorting thru the confusion & contradiction of my life has been a painful process. i'm still learning to simply say, to myself, i hurt. my 97 year-old great- great grandmother used to tell me as a kid, "no one leaves this world unscathed." she also said, "let your conscience be your guide." her words of wisdom are with me with each breath i take. eugenia jefferson was my sojourner truth. she transitioned feb 16, 1976. her loving spirit shines a window thru my soul.

thank god i'm clean - just for today!

NBA Playoffs 2009: I Love This Game!

as the sportsworld awaits with delicious anticipation the showdown between kobe & lebron in the nba finals, the first round of the nba playoffs ended with a bang. the most exciting series took place between the defending champion boston celtics & the chicago bulls. the celtics emerged victorious on their homecourt 109-99 in game seven, after enduring critical injuries, overtime losses & near defeat by the young, upstart bulls led by rookie of the year point guard derrick rose. despite his brilliant though sometimes erratic play, rose was overshadowed by boston guard rajan rondo who averaged a triple double for the entire series! rondo has quickly become the catalyst for a team playing without superstar, team leader & 2008 defensive player of the year kevin garnett on the floor.

garnett suffered a season-ending injury in a game against utah earlier this spring. no one thought the celtics could/would defend their title without him. ray allen's 51 points was not enuf to avert a triple-overtime game six loss at chicago. last year's finals mvp paul pierce was consistently
inconsistent. glen davis' much improved mid-range jumper has proved fruitful. center kendrick perkins had 16 points, 19 rebounds & seven blocks in the celtics' game five win. their bench - last year's strength - has been noticeably weak, despite the efforts of eddie house, tony allen, brian scallabrini & the new kids on the block, stephon marbury & mikey moore. forward leon powe was also on the bench with a season-ending injury.

the bulls stole game one in boston. rose tied kareem abdul-jabbar's 1970 nba record with 36 points in his rookie playoff debut, while also dishing out 11 assists. their first-time coach vinnie del negro says the kid will soon be a star. newly acquired forward john salmons scored a career high 38 points in the upset win. after losing the next two games, ben gordon was electric, scoring 42 points in the bulls' game four overtime thrilling victory in the windy city. the series set an nba playoff record with seven overtime periods, as both teams won two overtime games. five games were decided by three points or less. second-year player joakim noah played sensational defense, rebounding & & blocking shots. tyris thomas can only get better if he keeps his emotions in check. kirk hinrich & brad miller outplayed the celtics' bench throughout most of the series.

the cleveland cavaliers had the best record in the nba at 66-16 & are expected to reach the nba finals for the second time in three years. coach of the year mike brown employs team defense to the delight of sold-out crowds. the acquisition of all-star guard mo williams solidifies their solid backcourt with delonte west, beset by injuries for a considerable portion of the season. 2009 mvp lebron james averaged 32 points, 11 assists & seven rebounds in a dominating 4-0 sweep of the #8 seed detroit pistons, who played without all-star guard allen iverson, out for the season with back injuries. after six consecutive eastern conference finals appearances, culminating with their '04 title, the end of an era & the dawn of a new day is upon us. cleveland is real talk.

2009 defensive player of the year orlando magic center dwight howard led his team to a 4-2 series triumph over the athletic philadelphia 76ers. orlando thrashed philly by 25 points on the road in game six, despite howard being suspended for the game, after he elbowed 76ers center samuel dalembert in the magic's close game five win. the #4 seed atlanta hawks survived a seven-game series with the miami heat, who won just 15 games last year. dwayne wade finished third in mvp voting behind kobe & lebron, played like a superstar, yet his young supporting cast could not hold him down. none of the seven games were close, in fact there were very few lead changes at all.

over in the western conference the los angeles lakers faced an unlikely #8 seed in the utah jazz. i thought utah would fare better, given their playoff experience, home court strength & overall versatility. but the lakers prevailed 4-1 because los angeles' depth is unparalleled, they're the #1 scoring team in the league, kobe's the best 4th quarter finisher on the planet & coach phil jackson has nine championship rings, tied with boston's red auerbach for most in nba history. the #2 seed denver nuggets easily dispatched a disappointing new orleans team in five games. hornets' all-star guard chris paul finished the year first in assists & steals, a rare accomplishment in today's high-profile game, yet was clearly outplayed by nuggets point guard chauncey billups. all-star forward carmelo anthony will play in the second round for the first time in his young career. in fact, denver coach george karl denver believing they can beat anybody.

more will be revealed.

the dallas mavericks surprised pundits with how easily they dismantled the #3 seed san antionio spurs 4-1. dirk nowitzki, jason kidd, josh howard & jason terry were exceptional, as were their role players off the bench. all-star forward tim duncan was not 100% physically. guard manu ginobli's season-ending injuries lef them with a disadvantage. tony parker was spectacular & tried to carry the team but he was virtually a one-man show on a team who prides itself on unity, not heroism. the houston rockets showcased their superior defensive prowess in defeating the #4 seed portland trailblazers 4-2. despite the absence of all-star forward tracy mcgrady, the rockets kept portland's all-star guard brandon roy out of the paint for most of the series. yao ming, ron artest, shane battier & aaron brooks led a balanced attack for houston, their first series win in 10 years.

North Carolina & UConn Win NCAA Titles

the north carolina tar heels gave head coach roy williams his second ncaa title by soundly defeating the spartans of michigan state 89-72. senior forward wayne ellington scored 19 points & was named the final four's most oustanding player. first team all-american junior guard ty lawson set an ncaa title record with eight steals, adding 21 points & six assists to his brilliant game. senior center tyler hansborough, another first team all-american, had 19 points & 11 rebounds to lead a balanced offensive attack against a team no one expected to be in the championship game.

the title game took place in detroit, 30 years after hall of fame guard magic johnson led michigan state to a 79-64 win over hall of famer larry bird's indiana state sycamores. johnson gave the team a pep talk before the game & was seen on tv several times in the stands trying to cheer on his alma mater. but from the opening tip off north carolina had too much efficiency, energy & experience, racing to a 21-7 lead. in fact, their 55 first half points set an ncaa record for most points in the first half. also their 21 point half time margin set a record for largest lead in a title game.

there were moments in the second half when michigan state, sparked by the shooting of forward goran suton, showed signs of a comeback. however, they never got closer than 13 points as the tar heels' depth, maturity & poise were unmatched. in a game billed as david versus goliath most experts expected north carolina to win. michigan state defeated two number one seeds, louisville & connecticut, to reach the finals, yet when all was said & done, another historic victory was had by north carolina.

39-0. perfection. the women's team at uconn went undefeated this year, topped off by a dominant 74-57 win against the university of louisville - like michigan state, another unexpected title contender. uconn senior forward tina charles was named the final four's most outstanding player, as her 23 points & 19 rebounds led the huskies to their sixth title in team history. coach gene auremima was emotional afterwards, happy to share their success with senior guard & first team all-american renee montgomery, who scored 19 points.

uconn sophomore forward & first team all-american maya moore scored 24 points & played solid defense against louisville's first team all-american forward angel mccoughtry. early in the first half montgomery set the tempo by running & gunning at will. with both her parents proudly watching from the stands the spunky spark plug put on a show, her killer crossover a pain in the ass for the cinderella team in black & red. comparisons with other championship teams are inevitable, yet this group of women showed determination, focus & heart all year round. blowouts are usually boring but you couldn't help feel the joy watching them play.

New York Post Cartoonist Depicts President Obama As Dead Chimpanzee Shot By White Male Cops

the new york post ran a cartoon depicting the author of the stimulus bill as a dead chimpanzee, shot & killed in cold blood by two befuddled looking white male cops. the caption comes from the cop standing behind the cop with the smoking gun in his hand and reads: "they'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." this racist cartoon, drawn by sean delonas, was strategically run on wednesday february 18, the day after president barack hussein obama signed into law the $800+ billion bill, his first major piece of legislation.

i contend ownership breeds oppression. new york post owner rupert murdoch, whom also owns the fox news channel, has historically attacked the beauty, dignity & hue-manity of black folk in one genre or anotha. to expect anything different from him or his employees would be insane. malcolm x once said, "if you're black & in america & don't know you're crazy, then you're really crazy." still, the timing of this cartoon is eerily similar to cnn producing black male comedian (instead of a black male activist, historian, journalist or professor) dl hugley's show, "dl hughley: breaking the news," a few short weeks b4 the election. any wonder why folks say the more things change the more they stay the same?

perhaps delonas did not intend to be controversial. nonetheless his cartoon has created a media frenzy. i peeped the news & witnessed various perspectives from cnn's anderson cooper, david gergen & roland martin, msnbc's keith olberman & the women on abc's daytime talkfest the view. i tuned on the radio (wbai-fm) & heard from bklyn councilman charles barron, whom, along with councilmembers eric adams & letitia james, as well as rev al sharpton, has organized a series of rallies in front of the post's mid-town nyc headquarters, in addition to otha pro-active initiatives. finally, i went online & got instructions from colorofchange.org & yourblackworld.com, two progressive organizations dedicated to social change, to boycott the paper & write the post's editors & corporate sponsors demanding a public apology & the immediate firing of delonas.

i just love it when folks talk about racism :-)

the cartoon, run on pg 12 of the paper & can also be seen on their web, was not funny, insightful or meaningful in any way. the post says the cartoon was meant to mock the contents of the stimulus bill by comparing the legislation to the now infamous pet chimpanzee who attacked a woman in connecticut. furthermore, the post's editor, col allan, defends the concerns of black & otha progressive folk stating, "the cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event, to with the shooting of a violent chimpanzee in connecticut. it broadly mocks washington's efforts to revive the economy. again, al sharpton reveals himself as nothing more than a political opportunist."

the post wants us to believe the cartoon is not about obama. but on the page preceding the cartoon there's a big picture of obama signing the bill. some pundits - not limited to republicans but also including well-meaning blacks & so-called liberal whites - who defend the post say the cartoon could easily be mocking nancy pelosi, speaker of the house or otha congresspeople who supported the bill. yet the historical legacy of apes, chimps & monkeys as racist symbols of black folk in america, used many times during the election attacking obama's character, are part of our ancestral cellular memory.

yesterday myself & otha journalists received an e-mail from the post's associate editor sandra guzman which reads, "thank you for your feedback. please know that i had nothing to do with the sean delonas cartoon. i neither commissioned or approved it. i saw it in the newspaper yesterday with the rest of the world. and, i have raised my objections to management." white house press secretary robert gibbs was asked about the image on air force one wednesday. he replied, "i have not seen the cartoon, but i don't think its altogether newsworthy that i don't spend a lot of time reading the new york post."

what is particularly troubling about the cartoon image is the increase in race-based violence in america. hate crimes are on the rise, ranging from arson on black churches to homosexual assalts to vandalism. in fact, obama survived an unprecedented number of death threats, reported or otherwise, during his historic journey to 1600 pennsylvania avenue. just a week ago, a man drove from louisiana to the capitol with a rifle b4 he was stopped by the police, whom he told he had a "delivery" for the president. in venezuela, hugo chavez had to pass a law against the right wing calling for his assassination over television. would a bigoted group be punished for doing the same thing in america?

a cartoon calling for the murder of a us president gets you prison time...

hopefully the black press and/or global journalists of color will seek to do more than write about how pissed off we are. its not enuf to be outraged when the life of a hue-man being is publicly attacked. the cartoon should serve as a lesson in white supremacy 101. rev dr king jr said, "a threat to justice anywhere is a threat to injustice everywhere." the new york post should be held accountable financially, legally & socially for their crimes aganst hue-manity. if folks (americans, democrats, obama supporters, i.e.) allow the new york post to get away with the usual default apology for this blatant offense then the blame is on us not them.

in the late-80's i joined forces with cemotap - commitee to eliminate media offensive to african people - a queens-based non-profit, to boycott the new york post. among otha pro-active initiatives we disseminated fact sheets, marched in the streets of harlem, urged consumers to stop buying the paper & wrote editorials to raise folks' awareness & cultivate social change. the noted african-american historian benjamin mays once said, "a man's job may be finished, but his work is never done." in the spirit of mumia abu-jamal, anthony baez, sean bell, tawana brawley, eleanor bumphurs, larry davis, amadou diallo, michael griffith, fred hampton, rodney king, abner louima, anthony rosario & assata shakur i'm reminded of an ole skool cultural saying, "praise the lord & pass the ammunition."

Father Farewell

my 80 yr-old father died of lung cancer saturday night january 17. i've been avoiding writing this blog & i'm not sure why. i neva thought i'd write about my father's death. when god called him home i was neither shocked nor stunned receiving the news from my youngest sistah, tracey, whom, i sensed, in making small talk, which i hate, was struggling with how to tell me. is there a right way to inform your brotha of the death of your father? to be honest, i anticipated a short struggle with cancer based on his age, failing health & my evolving spirituality.

the last time i saw him was in frigid chicago, mid-december, in his messy bedroom, sleeping quietly. i felt god's calming presence. god told me he would welcome my father home sooner than lata although he was unwilling to give me the exact date & time. real talk. the whole week i was home my father was in & out of the hospital troubled with dementia, loss of appetite & what seemed to be a restless spirit. for the first time in my life this proud man appeared defeated, shaky & vulnerable. i was frightened.

when tracey told me he died i was with a few friends & shared the news with them. each offered their condolences & vowed to check in on me from time to time. thank god for caring friends. i was relieved he was no longer suffering the hue-man condition yet i felt deeply ashamed bcuz, at age 48, i had no money in my savings account to go home for the funeral. instead of grieving his loss i was worried i'd be unable to participate with my family in his farewell. my youngest brotha, james, was generous enuf to pay for my round-trip ticket & i headed home for five days.

b4 leaving nyc i humbly asked my mother how i could be of service. she mentioned the obituary. instinctively i felt writing his obituary would be an honor & a privilege - nothing i eva expected in life yet something god prepared me for on my spiritual journey. my cousin lorraine's sensitive & selfless editing proved fruitful. unexpectedly, to my delight, another cousin, rod, officiated the quietly respectful morning service. when one of my father's gambling buddies shared a few words about their relationship my heart warmed with love.

the otha family members who were present for my father's funeral, despite their personal feelings & unresolved conflicts, made the difficult trip worthwhile. some folks we grew up with as kids showed up with hugs & smiles. cousin juanita, arriving fashionably late as usual, sang a couple of songs in her unique style: i like her voice. aunt maxine, whether you wanted to or not, could be heard quibbling about the integrity of my obituary. wateva. as lorraine e-mailed me earlier, this was my tribute to my father. she also warned me of a potential backlash; her mother didn't think my obituary was fair.

i had the police on speed dial.

almost a month has passed since he made transition & i've yet to shed tears. am i in denial? no. i've been missing my father more & more the last few days. i can feel it in my gut. those annoying phone calls at 8am have left a void which no one can replace. 80 years on earth for a black man in america is nothing to sneeze at. i'm at peace with our relationship because he was finally honest with me about issues i thought we'd take to the grave. for example, he felt unappreciated by his family & also told me he wished he'd been a better father - i told him he was the best father a son could ask for. he cried. he cried some more. he then hung up the phone perhaps embarrassed or overcome with emotion or unwilling to remain vulnerable with his son.

amazing what you remember when somebody you love dies. i was grateful he shed those tears bcuz black men are conditioned to be invulnerable. as paul laurence dunbar once wrote, "we wear the mask of silent unity." speaking of silence, the ride to the burial was creepy. we're talking dark shadows creepy ok? i shared a car with my mother, older brotha larry, older sistah marla & tracey. the silence was omnious. omg. was i the only one in the car who couldn't breathe? nobody mentioned my father's death. his casket, of course, was in one of the cars in front of us, yet we didn't talk about - him. we were all gathered together bcuz of, him. if it weren't for, him, we wouldn't be together, on this day, for, him. crazy, scary & tuggle to the bone.

my father was a veteran, having served in the korean war many years b4 i was an embryo. proud of his anti-church, anti-prayer, anti-religious perspective, he once told me when the enemy was upon him he had no time to pray. said it didn't matter who or what anyone believed in bcuz self-preservation is the first law of nature. don't ask why but i wanted to argue with him. after all, even the pointer sisters knew "you got to believe in something." but i digress. i'm good at that. digressing. yeah, that's me. i digress. if i don't do anything else i...ok. i need to compose myself, or something resembling sanity.

now i know why i avoided writing this blog...

something in me says writing about my father's transition represents closure - as if his casket wasn't already closed. there i go again, tryna make light out of a dark situation. tryna ease my pain with sarcasm to mask the grief, loss & sadness. it's surreal knowing he's not physically present. i used to wonder how i'd respond if he went b4 i did. life with a compromised immune system has been emotionally challenging; so many friends with aids-related complications have come & gone. i grew weary of asking god why am i still here? my father, interestingly enuf, helped me to accept what i knew intellectually: everything in life is purposeful.

still, there is something to be said for the written word. this is my second draft & i'm feeling better already. i have my father's obituary on my computer desk. i'm not ready to put him on the wall with the obituaries of otha family members & friends. not just yet. am i in denial? no. i know he's gone. but i want him now where i needed him then: by my side. close to me. like a father should be for his son. in the spirit of unity.