Colonoscopy 101

last wednesday morning i had a colonoscopy. first time. the procedure was unpleasant yet worthwhile. they were supposed to anesthetize me - but didn't. or, should i just say, whatever local medication they injected me with refused to do the job. i felt the black snake inside me. my stomach was in knots. i wanted to ask my male doctor, "before you hit it, can we get to know each other better? how about dinner & a movie? a little foreplay..."

so i'm making light of a dark situation. but that's who i be.

the preparation was horrible. tuesday, i had to drink a gallon of water mixed with a chemical which has too many syllables to pronounce, much less remember. every 15 minutes i had to drink a glass of this stuff, which kinda tasted like salt & alka seltzer. my doctor told me it would taste like gatorade. she lied. that shit was nasty. p-funk. the bomb.

after a couple of hours my head started to spin. my equilibrium was unbalanced. my stomach was nauseated. i began to vomit as i sat on the toilet releasing liquid waste. i felt like linda blair. unplugged. i called a female friend who has more health issues than myself. she assured me the drink was the hard part & everything else would be was a piece of cake. uh, okay, i guess. 

around 10 pm i began to experience slight emotional relief. i called another friend. a guy. why? because i value balance in my relationships. we laughed at the absurdity of it all. his compassion was comforting. other friends, diverse men & women, told me what to expect before the procedure. i appreciate their support, primarily because it came from their personal experience with having a colonoscopy themselves. some more than one.

more than once? oh mah goodness....

to my delight & surprise, i woke up spiritually refreshed wednesday morning. in fact, i was pleased at how i felt before undergoing the unknown. but i serve a loving god. his wisdom is infinitely better than my own. as such, i was unafraid of the outcome. they told me i had some internal hemorrhoids. most importantly, no cancer was found! i don't have to do another colonoscopy in 7-10 years.

in the immortal words of madea, "ha-le-loo-yer."