Lately I've been feeling depressed, tired & worn-out. I lack the motivation to do anything constructive or productive. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, that much I am sure of. I do believe, however, I'm reacting emotionally to the painful awareness of, once again, over extending myself w/ too many personal and/or professional commitments & responsibilities. I've been here before, though. This pain is familiar...
In January, 2002, I quietly bid farewell to my four-year stint at Gay Men of African Descent. I was, quite frankly, relieved. The thought of not having to go to work filled my heart w/ joy. I was able to catch up w/ ER, Law & Order, NYPD Blue & Sportscenter. But what did I do? I joined three community-based organizations to volunteer my sweet & precious time. What was I thinking? Chile, I need Jesus. For real.
Granted, I believe in social responsibility. My parents encouraged me to be active, help others, etc. And, I genuinely love being of service. However, I'm a bit of an extremist: either I'm totally responsible, or I'm totally irresponsible. I decided to let go of a few commitments this week. I feel guilty about it, but like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive, ok? Hopefully, I can learn from this unhealthy pattern of doing too much, too often, too soon.
My compromised immune system needs rest & relaxation. I'll be 45 in August. Someone once told me it's ok to not DO stuff. But do I really believe that? We live in a society that values education, employment, social status & the like. NYC is a major hustle. It seems like no one has time to talk anymore because they are so damn busy: doing what, though? Look, I've got a new DVD to break in. I bought a few bootleg movies a few months ago & have yet to watch them. Why?
Because I'm busy!
- mark j. tuggle
- harlem, usa
- same-gender-loving contemporary descendant of enslaved africans. community activist, feminist, health educator, independent filmmaker, mentor, playwright, poet & spiritual being. featured at, in & on africana.com, afrikan poetry theatre, angel herald, bejata dot com, bet tonight with tavis smiley, blacklight online, black noir, brooklyn moon cafe, gmhc's barbershop, klmo-fm, lgbt community services center, longmoor productions, nuyorican poets cafe, our corner, poz, pulse, rolling out new york, rush arts gallery, saint veronica's church, schomburg center for research in black culture, sexplorations, the citizen, the new york times, the soundz bar, the trenton times, the village voice, upn news, uzuri, venus, vibe, wbai-fm, wnyc-fm & wqht-fm. volunteered with adodi, bailey house, inc., black men's xchange-new york, colorofchange.org, drug policy alliance, east harlem tutorial program, imagenation film & music festival, presente.org, save darfur coalition, the enough project, the osborne association, the sledge group & your black world. worked on films with maurice jamal & heather murphy. writing student of phil bertelsen & ed bullins. firstname.lastname@example.org.