About Getting Older

In less than ten days, God willing, I'll acknowledge 45 years on planet earth. Whatever thoughts I had about being 45 have been adjusted to my current reality. No matter what is going on in my life, I'm still a kid at heart. Most folks think I look ten years (or more) younger; in fact, some folks think I'm in my late 20's. Am I flattered? Yes, though aware that my body has experienced a great deal of living.

I tend to be introspective. I can be found on any given day deep in thought. I'm aloof, indifferent or standoffish at times - as a coping strategy - however, I'm very passionate about life. Ive always been hard, perhaps too hard, on myself. My standards are important to me, if no one else. As a child I strived for excellence, but when I was punished, I internalized anger, betrayal, resentment & shame. I tried to compensate by becoming a perfectionist: an unattainable goal. The lesson learned was self-forgiveness.

Giving myself a break has not been easy. I expect the best of myself. When I fall short, make mistakes or wander off course, I tend to react emotionally. Today, I'm learning to respond to life: my attitude, my choices, my feelings, my patterns, my responsibilities, etc. My mother tried to impress the significance of patience on me as a yung man. Did I listen? No. I pray for patience, despite my daily worries.

I was at the gym thinking about working out for two & half hours. I laughed at the absurdity. What am I trying to prove? And, for who? I'm no longer obsessed w/ a six pack. I like my body. But what I don't like is feeling as if time is running out on me. I lack energy & motivation more than I care to admit these days. I get tired quicker w/ out doing anything at all! My sex life is null & void. The end seems closer than the beginning.

Nevertheless, I'm determined to try to & enjoy each days as it comes. I remember some time ago a guy saying he lives every days as if it's his last: finally, I understand. You know how you hear something & you want to reject it immediately because it sounds too good to be true? Then you remember somebody saying anything too good to be true, probably IS.

Regardless of how I feel, I'm grateful for each moment God gives me. I have what I need: family, friends, happiness & health. I continue to set goals, but I'm more flexible than my younger years. The urgency is gone. As a result, I can relax a little. I take a mental health day, week or month if I choose to. I do my best & let go of the rest. Besides, so what if I'm lazy? My spiritual condition is most important. As a Black man, I desire to grow old gracefully, like Ossie Davis. So what if I'll never run a marathon? I can still dance my ass off.